wrigley field is MILF paradise
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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