I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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