God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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