I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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