smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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