I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
