Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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