I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
