why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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