My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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