now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
