Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
