Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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