Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Randomize
