I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
