Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
