I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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