i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
God, I missed his penis.
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