This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
