Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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