Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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