Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
