he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
