I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
