I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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