just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
