: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He better not be in your backpack
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize