I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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