You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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