Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
