guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
