i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
All I want is dick and wine.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
