Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
