I haven't been this sober since birth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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