So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
