You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
