i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize