He disabled his match.com account in front of me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
