If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
