I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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