So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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