im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
