he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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