P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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