Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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