We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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