I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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