I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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