My cat gives me a boner
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
