my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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