we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
