Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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