my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Bring me that man meat
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
