I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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